Drawing Close

My oldest son Paul was born with Spina Bifida and has had many surgeries. Some of these surgeries were necessary in order to save his life, some were performed in order to give him a better life, and some of these elective surgeries pioneered new techniques.

We were told that Paul would have a better prospect of normalcy in weight bearing and physical development if we would allow the surgeons to break his bones, saw out segments of bone and transfer tendons. This required him to be in cumbersome and uncomfortable body casts for extended periods of time. This also required months and years of intensive physical therapy with a limited possibility of a successful outcome. The goal was long-term benefit for Paul.

These were really tough decisions for us. They never got any easier. Often, after consultations with top doctors and a lot of prayer, we would conclude that the Lord was telling us, “Do the surgery.” So, despite our reservations, we would agree to surgery.

Later, when the doctors and physical therapists would come in to work on Paul, he would look at me as he cried, wanting me to stop the pain. I knew his best hope for the future was for me to let them hurt him, as they tried to make things better for him. Allowing these strangers to inflict pain on my son was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

One day, I was driving on the beltway around Boston on my way to visit Paul in the hospital before one of his surgeries. I prayed fervently, “God, you know the only reason I am allowing this is because I am willing for him to suffer in order to make his life better.”

God spoke to my heart, “I let my Son suffer and die, not for His benefit, but for yours.”

I had to pull off the road and cry as the impact of this truth took effect. I had never had a clue before of what it cost the Father to love me the way I love my son. I would never in a million years have allowed my son to go through what He went through for somebody else. Never!

I can look at Jesus and understand why the Father loves Him. Who wouldn’t love Jesus? But, to realize the Father allowed Him to go through what He went through because He loves me gripped me in a way it never had before. I realized God really loves me. And this God says to me, “I want you to know me as your daddy.”

Paul’s life has been hard, growing up with all the surgeries, procedures, routines and paraphernalia associated with Spina Bifida. Often, my relationship with Paul has been the most difficult of my relationships with my three sons.

For years, Paul was the hardest to hug. He tolerated my affection, but he wasn’t enthusiastic about it. He had a problem with trusting me, and I had to work extra hard to communicate my love for him.

I realize now that, as young as he was, he desperately wanted my intervention when medical professionals, who were strangers to him, were subjecting him to pain; but I was right there and didn’t intervene. I knew they were there to help him, but Paul couldn’t comprehend this. I was there, not fighting to protect him, just seeking to comfort him.

Paul had to work especially hard to get past the bitterness he felt as a result of feeling betrayed. I can’t imagine loving Paul more than I do. I don’t think it’s possible to love a child more than I love Paul.

My other boys have always loved hugs and kisses. For years, I longed for Paul to come to me, put his arms around me and to receive my love for him. It was only as he became a young man and we have had many conversations, often with tears, that he began to trust my heart. He had always shown respect and love for me, but affection was more difficult. I consider it a great answer to prayer that our relationship progressed.

One of the gifts God gives us in our children is a mirror of our relationship with Him. As I struggled to help Paul learn to trust me and sought to be patient, rather than forcing him to express love in ways that wouldn’t be authentic, I caught a glimpse of God’s patience with me. My heavenly Father is totally trustworthy and has never failed to do what is best. Yet, I have often been frustrated at the painful times when God did not do what I wanted.

One result has been that I have had to learn to express affection for God based on what I know, not just on what I feel. Feelings can be very misleading! The truth is that God loves us, even when we don’t understand His ways.

I expect that my experience is not unlike yours. We all experience pain of different kinds in our lives. And we often don’t understand the pain. We find ourselves failing to trust God in the midst of suffering. Our heavenly Father is calling by His Spirit, saying, “Trust me. I want you to draw close to me. I want you to know my love.” Will you draw close, receive His love and call Him Daddy?